Beginning Again

In Memory of Bowser Spooner
January 23, 2015 to May 22, 2023

When I remember you, I am filled with the joy of your energy. I still miss you, and I still miss all the joy you brought into our lives.

I was so new to love in this form when you came into my life, and you welcomed me completely.

Your love was so pure. You never asked me to earn it or prove myself worthy of it. You never held a grudge. Even when you were naughty or drove me crazy, I could never stay angry with you because your intentions were always so pure.

I had been hurt before by love that was untrue, conditional, petty, and sometimes even vengeful. I knew that people could say they loved you and still use that love as something to give and take away.

Then there was you.

You just loved me.

There was such honesty and truth in the way you loved that it changed something in me. You taught me to believe in a love that could simply be good. A love that did not keep score. A love that wanted nothing more than to be together.

I could never forget you or the life we shared.

Opening my heart to another dog has been harder than I expected. Loving Cordelia does not erase the grief of losing you. In some ways it brings it closer again, because so many little moments remind me of what it was like when everything with you was new.

But as I become a dog mother again, I realize how much of you I am carrying with me.

The lessons you taught me help calm me when I worry too much. You remind me to relax, to trust myself, and to enjoy the dog in front of me instead of worrying so much about whether I am doing everything perfectly.

As I begin this new journey with Cordelia, I believe I have your blessing. You never wanted anything more than for your family to be together and happy. I cannot imagine that the love you gave me would ever ask me to close my heart after you were gone.

So I am trying to take everything you taught me and use it to be the best person I can be for this new little dog who has trusted me with her heart.

You will never be replaced. You could never be replaced.

Cordelia is not a new version of you. She is herself, and I am learning to love her for everything that makes her Cordelia.

But you are the foundation for my next love.

I could not be the person I am with her without first having been your person. The gift of your love changed me, and that gift will be mine for as long as I live.

Thank you for loving me.

I miss you so much.